Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

When we last left our heroes, they were packing to go to Pandaria. While Throgg and Lolegolas shove their belongings into mysterious blue boxes and bags of questionable size, let's take a jump across the pond and check in on the missing member of the precarious party. She gets cross if I ignore her for too long.

Miranda pushed herself up on her elbows, peering around her spacious cage. She noticed immediately that the bamboo enclosure smelled fairly nice. If she was trapped in captivity, at least it was a relatively tidy captivity.

"Hello?" she asked. Her voice was dry and cracked; the words came out as a croak. "Is anyone there?"

"Good morning, Miranda," someone replied. "If it helps you relax, this isn't about you at all. You'll see I even have a gift for you. I wish you to be comfortable while you serve as bait."

The shrouded figure came nearer, kneeling to slide a small bird through the cage. Miranda tried to get a look at the man, but mist and smoke kept her from making out much beside his robe.

"That's a Gilnean Raven. It might turn out to be quite the fighter. I'm certain your druid will appreciate it. This raven is quite like a writing desk."

"What is this about, then?" Miranda asked. She reached out to the bird and was pleased when it jumped to her wrist immediately. "What's going?"

The shadowed man turned back to his reading. "It's an assignment, nothing personal. I will get Throgg very angry, and while he's in the middle of his Throgg-smash routine ... I will kill him."

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Phat Loot Phriday brings you the scoop on some of the most ... interesting ... loot in the World of Warcraft, often viewed through the eyes of the stalwart Throgg and indelible Lolegolas. Suggest items you think we should feature by emailing mikeg@wowinsider.com.

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When last we left our heroes, they were discussing the finer points of beer and tea in an experimental post that didn't really work out well. Taking feedback (and several donkey punches to the gut from his editor) seriously, the narrator returns to the ongoing action -- which is to say, getting the dynamically delicious duo toward Pandaria. Just now, they're getting dressed, because this is Lolegolas we're talking about here.

"Stop me if you've heard this one before," Lolegolas said. "What in the name of Metzen's meticulously groomed beard are you wearing?"

Throgg froze in place, paused in the motion of removing his shoulder armor from its plastic hanger. (Lolegolas can't abide wire hangers.) "Uh. Armor? Like you wear in battle?"

"That thing looks like it's from the Gillette school of gearing," the blood elf said. "When in doubt, add more blades."

"It's awkward when I have to scratch," Throgg agreed. "Good for stopping people from ... punching me ... in the shoulder. I guess?"

Lolegolas grunted noncommittally. "What's it called?"

"Tier 14."

"That's it? Tier 14? That's the name that's meant to strike fear into the souls of beer demons?"

"You're being impatient," Throgg commented. "It has a name; I just don't know it yet. So I like to call it Mach 8. Because it has eight blades."

"We're really stuck on the razor analogy here, aren't we?" Lolegolas said.

"We've had enough close shaves already," Throgg replied. "Time to be a little more careful."

Item Note: This preview of Warrior tier 14 brought to us by those ingenious folks over at Wowhead. It's good to be back to the mo'-blades, mo'-betta school of gearing.

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Phat Loot Phriday brings you the scoop on some of the most ... interesting ... loot in the World of Warcraft, often viewed through the eyes of the stalwart Throgg and indelible Lolegolas. Suggest items you think we should feature by emailing mikeg@wowinsider.com.

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When last we left our heroes, Throgg and Lolegolas had just walked into a bar. While that's a classic setup for a joke, the dazzling duo are in a more laconic mood.

Throgg drummed his fingers on the table top. "No clue what to expect in Pandaria. Never been Jack Black fan."

"They say it has nothing to do with that guy," Lolegolas side, knocking back a drink. "It's full of rich culture and not a single tenacious reference."

"Tea will be nice change of pace," Throgg muttered. "I like green tea. Black tea makes me jittery."

"You get jittery?"

"Yes, orc get jittery." Throgg grunted. "Why're we lingering here, anyway? Where sense of urgency?"

"Something's broken," the blood elf sighed. "Waiting for fix so we can make reference, then we hop off to giant turtle."

Throgg grunted eloquently is agreement. "I will shoulder burden of drinking until then, like noble Horde member I am."

"They call that breakfast in Pandaria," Lolegolas commented. "It's like liquid bread."

"I know," Throgg said. "Can't wait. Carb up, fight lots of bad guys, and save the girl."

Item note: No, really, Mad Brewer's Breakfast. You gotta love it.

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Phat Loot Phriday brings you the scoop on some of the most ... interesting ... loot in the World of Warcraft, often viewed through the eyes of the stalwart Throgg and indelible Lolegolas. Suggest items you think we should feature by emailing mikeg@wowinsider.com.

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"By Pond's swiftly approaching expiration date!" Lolegolas gasped. "What are you wearing?"

Throgg blinked mildly at his friend. "Rabbit ears. I ... thought that was obvious. I mean, they're bunny ears. They're not for reception."

Lolegolas licked his lips and nodded slowly. "Noblegarden, huh?"

"It's a Spring Circlet! I'm sexy and I know it," Throgg replied. He clapped his hand together and spun in place. "Wigg ... "

"Stop!" the Gilnean shouted, holding out a hand desperately. "This is a public street. Families. Children. Why don't you two go catch a drink?"

Lolegolas scowled at the druid for a moment, and then nodded at a nearby tavern. A troll and orc had just slipped inside. That's all the testament to the tavern's quality that the hunter needed. "Sounds like a good plan. Druid, you wear the ears."

"Ooh, beer," Throgg said. "This male needs an ale!"

Item note: You get the Spring Circlet from eggs. New to Noblegarden? We've got all the information you need for the holiday.

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Phat Loot Phriday brings you the scoop on some of the most ... interesting ... loot in the World of Warcraft, often viewed through the eyes of the stalwart Throgg and indelible Lolegolas. Suggest items you think we should feature by emailing mikeg@wowinsider.com.

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When last we left our heroes, they were idly poking around the Outland. They weren't entirely sure what to do with themselves, desperately in need of something new to get them moving. Nominally, they were tracking down leads on who might have infiltrated the Forsaken. Sounds like it's time for a plot bomb, right?

The four slept under the stars of Outland. Unlike Azeroth's tranquil night sky, the heavens of Hellfire Peninsula glittered beneath an oily stream of ether and energy. It was minutely disturbing to Lolegolas, who muttered about sleeping in shifts and random encounters.

Miranda screamed first, a thick leather cord coiled around her neck. The succubus at the other end hauled back on the whip, dragging the girl from her sleeping bag.

The Gilnean hit the demon not as a human, sliding effortlessly into the shape of an immense bear. A leg like a log struck the succubus in the chest, sending her hurling head over heels backward into the night.

Then the druid took a wide stance and roared. His thick fur bristled, and the single line of his hackles rose like a mohawk down the middle of his back. Throgg bounded from his bedroll, already whirling his immense axe almost like a baton. Its angry blade bit into an imp just a few moments before Lolegolas arrows began flying through the air with a sound like angry bees. Succubus and imps fell quickly to the assault.

When last we left our heroes, they'd made the covenant to travel unto the Outland and seek out the fel lords responsible for the corruption in the Forsaken Kingdom. Lolegolas was much pleased to revisit "his" expansion and spent many nights washing his hair in preparation.

"I want to kill the Fel Reaver while we're there," Lolegolas said. "We've not been back to Outland in a while, and that thing has it coming." They rode the road out of the Dark Portal, their mounts shuffling idly on the rocky path.

"Why?" Miranda asked. "It has no good gear. The Fel Reaver's Piston actually comes from Void Reaver. That's a wildly different critter."

"I remember that thing," the Gilnean said. "Darn nice healing trinket."

"Uh, were you around for that?" Lolegolas asked. "I mean, I just ask because the wall was up and all. Didn't see a lot of werewolves fighting Illidan."

Miranda waved the question down frantically. "It's best not to think about these things, OK?"

Throgg grunted and pointed into the distance. "Which way do we go? Horde flight not available for Alliance, and Alliance won't like little elf and me."

Miranda scowled. "Let's try the Alliance. There's been an outhouse backup there for years. Maybe we can use that to our advantage."

"Oh, great," Lolegolas muttered. "Outhouse humor. I'm looking forward to that."

Item note: The Fel Reaver's Piston really was a big deal back in the day. The numbers are small now, of course, but imagine how awesome it would be if it had scaled to current metrics!

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Phat Loot Phriday brings you the scoop on some of the most ... interesting ... loot in the World of Warcraft, often viewed through the eyes of the stalwart Throgg and indelible Lolegolas. Suggest items you think we should feature by emailing mikeg@wowinsider.com.

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When last we left our heroes, they had captured Abercrombie only to find out he wasn't really working with Sylvanas. Instead, he was renting val'kyr from a lucrative Rent-A-Val'kyr service, which could really answer all of our prom date issues.

"OK," Miranda said slowly. "Here's what we know. A demon working for the Forsaken is renting out val'kyr. We can't ask Abercrombie any more because Throgg knocked him out."

"Accident," Throgg muttered. "Just trying to jog his memory. Maybe I jog him too hard."

"However, we know that Vari-whatever betrayed Sylvanas," Miranda continued.

"I'd say we could just ask Sylvanas," Lolegolas chimed in, "but it's not like our last attempt went swimmingly."

"What's that?" Miranda replied. "You think that perhaps the Dark Lady of the Undead might hold a grudge against us because you spontaneously turned her into a puppy?"

"It was a cute puppy," Lolegolas said meekly.

"Outland," the Gilnean said quietly. "Dire fiends of that sort are most commonly found there. We storm the castle, so to speak, and start asking around with extreme prejudice."

Miranda scowled. "I suppose."

"What's wrong with Outland?" Throgg asked.

"Nothing, really," Miranda said quietly. "I'm just not supposed to be there."

When we last left our heroes, they were giving chase to Abercrombie but took a few moments to make a silly Yak pun or two. Because we couldn't let something like a yak mount go by without at least a few jokes. Because yaks, people. Yaks.

Abercrombie couldn't run any further. He stumbled to the ground just as Throgg descended on him.

"Wait, wait," Throgg said, standing up straight and planting the tip of his sword in the ground. "Not sure if killing you or capturing you. Wait a second for my friends to catch up."

"Why have you people been hounding me?" Abercrombie complained. The mage's voice was surprisingly high-pitched and whiny.

"You sent a series of undead to kill a bunch of people," Throgg replied. "Ah, here they are now."

Abercrombie got to his feet while eyeing the approaching band. "Four against one. This seems like it would go poorly for me in a fair fight."

"So help me," Miranda said quickly, pointing a threatening finger, "if you cackle and say 'That's why it's not a fair fight!' we will just kill you now."

When last we left our heroes, Abercrombie had blundered into Sylvanas's throne room, where the intrepid foursome was putting her to the doggy question. Abercrombie fled immediately, which led to more questions ... like why had Miranda spontaneously put her iron dwarf costume back on? I can't know everything, folks.

"Stop that," Miranda muttered as they ran through Undercity.

"What?" Lolegolas asked. "Stop what?"

"Nothing," the woman muttered, jogging up rough-hewn steps two at a time. "I wasn't talking to you."

"Would you focus?" Throgg growled. He reached the open air first, clapping his hands together. "Here, Ambrosius!"

In a puff of gray clouds, a gigantic yak suddenly appeared. Throgg lept upon its back with all the preternatural grace of a sack of rocks. "The human wizard isn't far ahead."

"Wait," Miranda spat. "Wait, wait, wait. What in the name of Chromie's ambiguous name is that?"

Throgg looked down at the yak then back at the girl. "It's a yak."

"I know it's a yak," Miranda sighed. "What are you doing with a yak?"

"Riding it?" Throgg asked. "Like, after the bad guy? As you do with a mount. It's a mount thing. This yak is a mount. It's a racing yak."

"How'd you even get a yak? It's not out yet. That's a panda thing."

"Oh, look who's so inquisitive now," Lolegolas mocked. "Wants to know someone else's secrets and is all offended by unexplained things. How frustrating that must be for you!"

Miranda scowled like a dragon with a toothache. "Shut up and go back to being pretty, elf."

"I never stopped, thank you."

"You turned her into a dog!" Miranda shouted. "How did you even do that? That's not how that's supposed to work." The human still looked like an iron dwarf, which made the girl's voice sound especially surreal. "I'm going to get into so much trouble."

"Can we keep her?" Throgg asked. He immediately dropped to his knees and pulled a small, pink cloth from his backpack. "I still have Precious' Ribbon! It'd look great on her."

"We can't keep her," Lolegolas instantly replied. "We already have a dog."

The Gilnean tapped his iron dwarf foot in annoyance.

"We're not getting any answers from her this way," Miranda said. "We need an amazing coincidence or a bit of deus ex machina to continue our quest." She coughed into her hand with significance, as if that were some kind of cue.

Just then, Abercrombie blundered into the throne room. He froze when he saw the proceedings. "Oh, crap," he muttered. Then, without further ado, he hiked up his robes and bolted back down the hall.

"You had to know that was going to happen," Lolegolas said.

"Well, maybe," Miranda said. "It was just good timing, that's all. Quick, after him!"

Precious' Ribbon
Type: Shirt

Item information: You get Precious' Ribbon from the dog named Precious in Icecrown Citadel. It has a very low drop rate, though, so expect to be farming forever.

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Phat Loot Phriday brings you the scoop on some of the most ... interesting ... loot in the World of Warcraft, often viewed through the eyes of the stalwart Throgg and indelible Lolegolas. Suggest items you think we should feature by emailing mikeg@wowinsider.com.

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When last we left our heroes, they'd snuck into the Undercity disguised as iron dwarves. Not to bore you with details ... Let's just assume they used dashing swashbuckling and debonair ne'er-do-welling to reach the Dark Lady's chambers.

"So, let me get this straight," Lolegolas said slowly. "Abercrombie never spoke with you."

"Vile sindorei!" Sylvanas said. "I am the Dark Lady of Iambic Poetry! I speaketh not to yon humans as if yea verily hath been here forsooth."

Throgg counted on his fingers as he repeated with the woman had said. "I swear, nobody speak normal, nowadays."

"They probably think it's great story," Miranda commented. She reclined on a step, tapping her staff impatiently against a foot. While the Glinean maintained his iron dwarf costume, the human girl had let hers drop as soon as they saw Sylvanas. Curiously, the guards did not attack her on sight. "All deep and meaningful."

"Look, your Angstfulness," Lolegolas muttered. "We need to know what Abercrombie is up to. If you can't talk to us like a normal person, we'll have to take drastic action."

"Action? When the darkness dwells in my blood, this crawling in my skin doth make for a broken crown upon my head!"

"OK, that's it," the blood elf muttered. "I didn't want to have to do this, but I'm tired of you quest-fetching bums. Behold the awesome power of the Rainbow Generator!"

Lolegolas grasped the front of his shirt and tore it open. A small disc hanging on his chest whirred loudly, and a bright rainbow exploded forward. The many-hued light engulfed Sylvanas, hiding her from view. Only a few seconds passed before the light faded away. The undead woman could not immediately be seen.

"Oh, crap," Miranda said. "You turned Sylvanas into a dog."

Item details: Rainbow Generator is a trinket (+14 stamina, +9 crit) that creates a rainbow when used. You get it by completing the quest Open Their Eyes in Felwood.

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Phat Loot Phriday brings you the scoop on some of the most ... interesting ... loot in the World of Warcraft, often viewed through the eyes of the stalwart Throgg and indelible Lolegolas. Suggest items you think we should feature by emailing mikeg@wowinsider.com.

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When we last left our heroes, the fearsome foursome were sneaking beneath the bowels of shattered Lordaeron. They wore Iron Dwarf costumes from Wrath of the Lich King because I said so, that's why.

"I hate the way this place smells," Lolegolas complained. He stroked his iron beard. "It's like every angry poo-poo in the world cried out at once in terror and came here for refuge."

"Undead," Throgg said, as if that explained it.

"Halt!" a voice cried out. Actually, crying out is what the voice attempted. What it accomplished was kind of a dry, rasping croak. An undead guard waddled up to the intruders. "Who goes there?"

"Aye, laddie! We're to be seeing stout the Lady Sylvanas Windrunner pilsner," Lolegolas replied quickly. "We have a lager invitation and proof of her porter affection!"

"Well, you sound like a dwarf, but you're clearly not Alliance," the undead rasped. "Do you have any proof?"

Throgg quickly held out a small red card. He would have spoken, but he didn't have the blood elf's mastery of beers.

"Oh, a Lovely Undercity Card," the guard muttered. "Fair enough, then. Go on about your way."

Lovely Undercity Card
Type Inventory item, like a potion.
Use Increases Intellect for 1 hour, increases as you level.
Flavor text "From the Banshee Queen, Lady Sylvanas Windrunner."

How to get it Bring a gift to the Banshee Queen. Stay tuned for how Throgg got his.
How to get rid of it Just use it, and it will disappear.

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Phat Loot Phriday brings you the scoop on some of the most ... interesting ... loot in the World of Warcraft, often viewed through the eyes of the stalwart Throgg and indelible Lolegolas. Suggest items you think we should feature by emailing mikeg@wowinsider.com.

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When we last left our heroes, Throgg was complaining about Garrosh, essentially proving his membership in the Horde ... or, alternatively, proving his membership in the Alliance. Hatred of Garrosh is a unifying force in Azeroth, similar to love of Legos in the real world.

The four rode into Tirisfal without much fanfare. Lolegolas was careful to guide the party away from the dirt road, staying out of sight from the undead guards who stalked the kingdom's highway. Throgg grew increasingly quiet.

"I've not smelled Abercrombie," the Gilnean said quietly. "Not a whiff of a food court, Hot Topic, or Cinnabon within miles."

Miranda stared at the druid hard for a moment. "You stealing my gig, Spot?"

"My name is not Spot," the Gilnean replied absently. "We'll have to go into Undercity beneath Lordaeron." He frowned, and his jaw clenched. "Hate that place."

Lolegolas clapped the Gilnean on the shoulder, speaking quietly. "If it helps at all, we do, too. No one likes reminders of bad days."

"This is very touching, but let's keep to business. We'll need to take the sewer exit in," Miranda said. "We could maybe hitch a ride with one of the inevitable Alliance raids, but I think we're better off sneaking in. Ride flying mounts to stick near to the ceiling, maybe, until we get close to Sylvanas."

"And then we all die horribly?" Lolegolas said. "We can accomplish that plan anywhere, we don't have to go into Undercity to do it."

When last we left our valiant heroes, Throgg was making bad jokes. As a result, we'll be taking a slightly more serious approach this week and give those puns a chance to come off cooldown. Also, SOPA bad.

The Gilnean and Miranda both slept in their respective tents. Lolegolas chalked it up to their having been so busy getting the party safely through the dwarf lands. He tossed another chunk of wood into the campfire.

"I have something for you," Throgg said. "Got it a while back."

Lolegolas looked across the campfire at his orc friend. The two had enjoyed dozens of adventures in the last year. He couldn't escape the pressing feeling that it had to end. The doubt plagued him throughout Arathi.

Throgg pulled a long, scaled belt from his sack. The orc stared at it for a moment and tossed it across the distance between them. "Belt of the Beloved Companion. I can't use it, thought you could."

Lolegolas ran his hands along the belt. "This is a magnificent item. Room for red gems, lots of enchantments that benefit hunters." Lolegolas opened his mouth to continue but stopped.

"Might need it," Throgg said quietly. "If Abercrombie is with Sylvanas, Undercity will be hard to escape alive."

When we last left our heroes, they had decided on a method to track the vile Abercrombie. This week, we're looking at a piece of endgame gear as an attempt to stay relevant as a loot column. We'll likely fail, but Lolegolas will look great while doing it. That's what blood elves do!

The journey toward Tirisfal was lonely. Either Miranda or the Gilnean would periodically demand the foursome stop to look around. Despite clever eyes and earnest hopes, nary another soul could be found on the road.

"Don't get it," Throgg grunted. "Shoulda been attacked dozen times by now."

"Out with it," Lolegolas said when he noticed Miranda toeing the ground uncomfortably. "What do you know, woman?"

Miranda rolled her eyes as she remounted her horse. "Folks are just otherwise occupied right now, I guess you could say. Things will be fine."

"Really?" Lolegolas asked. "How does an entire continent of people just disappear?"

Miranda waved a hand dismissively and pointed to the distance. "We're nearly to Tirisfal. I've gotten word that Abercrombie is definitely there."